i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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