My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I woke up under a house in Key West
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
