I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
this is an emotional support booty call
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
