Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
