Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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