i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
