I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
ok first of all what the fuck
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
