just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
jump out the window naked night went bad
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
