this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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