On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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