I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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