i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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