I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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