Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
