I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
