You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize