I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
