and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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