i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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