I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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