Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
