Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just high enough for therapy.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
