i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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