After last night, I could never be a politician.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
