I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
