In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize