So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
