Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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