im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize