dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
