Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
