Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
