I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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