Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Found the puke drawer
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
