im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
