I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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