I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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