You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
