i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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