I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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