you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
