its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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