Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
