i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
