My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
