turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
