you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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