Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
