i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Come share oat with me in your robe
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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