Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
how does that bad decision feel?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
