C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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