Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
