Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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