So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
