You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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