Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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