Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We left the knife in your bed.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
