Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
