Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize