Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
