you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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