I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
