i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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