So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
